According to loan documents, the United States Government, listed as the owner of the property located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC., has been in default for almost eight years.

“It’s no different from the average citizen who’s struggling to make ends meet,” explained Nancy Pelosi, a representative for the property owner, “With the rising cost of everything — food, gas, an undeclared war — it’s been a little hard to keep up the payments.”

The lender claims to have sent out over three-hundred “Notices of Default” before proceeding with the foreclosure process. “The property owners had been given many chances to make good on their loan,” according to Sheik Paul Abdullah, president of G. Hodd Finance of Saudi Arabia. “But instead of paying down their mortgage, they kept requesting additional financing — in the form of billions of barrels of crude oil, no less. We finally had to tell them ‘no more.’”

“We’ve had a destructive tenant living there, whom we’ve been trying to evict for eight years,” Pelosi said, although official documents reveal their lease was renewed in 2004. “The courts forced us to rent to them, we still haven’t received a single payment, and it’s costing us billions of dollars a month just to keep them on the premises.”

The tenant, President George W. Bush, who resides on the property with his family, was philosophical about the ordeal. “We were planning on moving out in January anyway,” he said. “So this really won’t be affecting us much. We can always stay with my brother in Florida for a few months.”

“They’ve made such a mess of the place,” said Pelosi, “that foreclosure is probably best for all parties. Besides, our credit can’t get any worse than it already is.”

The Saudi government has plans to purchase the property at auction and convert it into a mosque.

“We feel this is a compromise that can end the controversy over Proposition 8 once and for all,” said Wiley P. Jonesboro, Communications Director for the LDS Church. “Gays traditionally enjoy numerous partners, and this gives them an opportunity for several of them to be married at one time, while preserving the sanctity of the traditional single-spouse, man and woman, marriage.”

Polygamy, which was officially banned by the LDS in the late 19^th century, has seen a rise among conservative Mormons, who view multiple marriage as an act sanctioned by God.

Leaders of the gay and lesbian community were initially outraged at this suggestion, calling it a public relations ploy, bigoted and unjust.  After some soul searching, however, a majority of gays and lesbians warmed-up to the idea.

“If the only way to marry legally is to share my bed with ten or twelve partners,” said Brendan Karpolini, a personal trainer and gay activist, “I’m willing to make that sacrifice.”

Local city clerks’ offices throughout the state have been deluged with requests for thousands of “Gaylygamy” licenses, but Mary Platt, a West Hollywood attorney, said that might be unnecessary. 

“Since all same-sex spouses would be able to marry as many spouses as often as they like,” said Platt, “we really only need two wedding ceremonies.  Every gay man in the state can be legally married to every other gay man in the state; and all gay women can be married to all the other gay women.”

Gays and lesbians have approved Platt’s plan to create two all-inclusive, same-sex families, but they have yet to agree on their respective new surnames, and whether a priest, rabbi, minister or shaman will perform the marriages.

“It doesn’t matter much who conducts the ceremony,” said Karpolini, “but the catering will be out of this world.”

“I didn’t know what being gay was,” said Timmy Schroeder, a third grader at Purdue Elementary School in Santa Ana, California.  “Then I saw all these TV commercials talking about gay marriage — I finally asked the man who lives next door to us.  He showed me some videos.”

Bobby Sherwood, a fifth grader at Topeka Grade School in La Jolla asked his parents about gay marriage after numerous exposures to the Proposition 8 spots.  “I had no idea that a man could love another man,” said Bobby.  “What I wanted to know is: how do they make a baby?  Mom told me they get them from China.”

In a statement released today, the California Teachers’ Union praised the Proposition 8 ads, which taught a subject that is not even part of the regular school curriculum.  “Because of the generosity of Mormons,” the statement read, “children in grades K-6 throughout the entire Golden State are better educated about homosexual relationships, and can make informed decisions when it comes time for them to choose a mate.”

Jeanne Taylor, a mother of three girls, ages two through six, expressed her gratitude to the Mormons for using the media to educate her children.  “I want to thank the Mormons for their ‘Vote Yes on 8′ ads,” she said, “which illustrated to my kids to the concept of homosexuality as an alternative lifestyle.  This would have been difficult for me to discuss with them on my own.”

“We hope the Latter-day Saints continue to fund educational programs such as their classy Proposition 8 series,” wrote one principal in a letter to the Los Angeles Times.  “From now on, our teachers will look to the Mormons to provide their expert guidance on all issues relating to marriage.”

“Christians should follow the bible exactly as it is written,” said Judge James B. Coronado, ”and not try to interpret it for their own religious purposes.”

Judge Coronado is dismayed at the number of Christian ministers who tell their congregations, “God wants you to do this, or God wants you to do that.”

“How in the hell do they know what God wants?” asked Coronado.  “If it’s not in the bible, they gotta stop making this stuff up.”

Family Judge Sally Carter agrees.  “Activist Christians filter the bible through there own conservative biases,” she said, “then decide for their congregants which behaviors are allowable and not allowable.”

“We need ministers who strictly follow God’s laws,” added Coronado, “and rid ourselves of those who legislate from the pulpit.”

The rally, held at the First Resurrection Church of Christ, was put together by Judges from the 9th and 10th Circuit Courts, their law clerks and families, to formally protest the hiring of a minister who they claim is an activist Christian. 

“A majority of the judiciary sees things as we do,” said Judge Carter.  “If these activist Christians don’t stop interpreting the bible, we’ll replace them all with paralegals who have respect for the written word and won’t interpret every ‘Thee’ and ‘Thou.’”

“This is only the beginning,” promised Coronado.  “We will weed these activist Christians from churches all across America, from the farms and the factories, from Main Street to Wall Street, until every minister, preacher, pastor and preist adheres strictly to the bible as it is written.”

“The legal system has called us to action,” said Carter, “and we are its servants.”

“Amen,” added Coronado.

Judge Barry Tipton said the benefits of Joe the Plumber’s current exposure to mankind were negligible, and he ordered him to stay more than 100 feet away from news cameras, tv reporters and the set of “The View.”

“I’m devastated,” said Joe the Plumber.  “I really thought I was going to be able to give up the unstuffing of toilets for a new career in front of the camera.  My agent promised me an audition on ‘The Simpsons.’”

When asked if he blamed Barack Obama for his current troubles, Joe the Plumber responded, “Obama’s not the one who promised me tax breaks, hot chicks and a guest appearance on Fox News.  Obama’s not the one who said ‘people will know your name,’ or ‘Help me win this thing and Cindy will buy you a plumbing company.’”

A legal appeal was unlikely, according to Joe the Plumber’s attorney, unless he can find some justification for his status as a cultural icon.  “For now,” said the attorney, “he returns to being just another unlicensed, tax-evading contractor with dreams of owning his own business.”

Are his dreams of business ownsership still alive?  “I hope so,” he said.  “I’m a terrible plumber.”

The series of first-class postage stamps honors “those presidents who whose terms ended with the United States in domestic turmoil or international peril, with citizens facing imminent financial ruin or death.”

“We are pleased to add George W. Bush, our forty-third president, to the series,” said John Potter, Postmaster General. “We hope our postal customers and collectors will enjoy these stamps and find them a grim reminder of our democracy’s nefarious past.”

The stamp will be released on January 20th, 2009 in conjunction with the U.S Mint’s issuance of the worthless George W.Bush Zero Cent Piece.

Mechanic Alden Miremount said he was disillusioned as he watched his dream of an all-white America fade as the nation elected its first black president.  “We’ve worked so hard for so many years,” said Miremount, “to deny liberty to people who look different from us, and now all that work has been shitted away.”

“We’re a dying breed,” added Corky “Bud” Danalo. “Was a time when the color of your skin actually meant something.  But now, it’s ‘Latino this, African-American that.’  This is not the America I grew up in.”

Bart Furdell, the town drunk, said only last year he’d wake up in the morning and be filled with the joy of hate.  “I couldn’t stand them blacks, latinos, Asians, Jews and faggots,” he said.  “This guy Obama’s elected president, and then, poof…  suddenly a person’s no longer judged on the color of his skin, but on the content of his character.  What’s up with that?”

“It’s like the hatred and anger have been stolen away from us,” said Danalo.  “I feel so empty inside.”

How will the racists deal with an America where minorites are treated with equality?

There was only one viable option, according to Miremount.  “I’m moving to Alaska,” he said.  “‘Cause I really hate them Eskimos.”

Researchers tested 200 adults from all regions of the country, and found that the less education a person has received, the more likely he or she is to be stupid. 

The study is the first to demonstrate a conclusive link between lack of education and stupidity, said lead author Audrey Beaumont, a behavioral scientist. Subjects with only a sixth grade education were found to be twice as likely as those with a high school diploma to put their hands on a hot stove or look into the barrel of a loaded gun to see if the ammunition glowed in the dark.  Those who lacked a grade school education were three times as likely to poop in their hands or get a job on Wall Street.

The study was released Monday in the November issue of Brains ‘n Things.

Beaumont said stupidity was strongly connected with a lack of education, even when other factors were considered, including religious background, political affiliation and repeated viewing of “The O’Reilly Factor.”

“Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re ahead by ten points.  There’s no reason to sweat getting to the polls on Tuesday, we’ve already got this thing wrapped up.”

An uneasy silence fell upon the stunned crowd, as Biden elaborated on his comments.  “As much as we appreciate your votes, I think it’s safe to say they’re superfluous at this point.  The election is as much a formality as it is a foregone conclusion.  CNN’s electoral map is covered in blue, so you might as well stay home on Tuesday.   As we used to say in Scranton — it’s party time!”

Within minutes of the comment, Obama staffers abruptly escorted Biden off the stage and into a nearby van, which sped away in an unknown direction.

An announcement came over the public address system asking the supporters to stick around, stating that an emergency call had been placed to the Clintons to finish the rally, but the crowd had already dispersed.

No one has heard from Biden since, but an Obama spokesperson has assured reporters that he is being held safely in an undisclosed location.   ”Senator Biden is being fed regularly,” said the spokesperson, “and allowed to sleep on a king size mattress, with plenty of linens.”  

A homemade video of Biden speaking into the camera was subsequently released to confirm the senator’s condition, but the audio was removed, so there is no way to verify when the video was actually taken.

“The voice sounded like it could easily have been that of our lord and savior,” said Palin.  ”He said I was chosen to receive his call because of my good old-fashioned, small-town conservative values.”

The caller proceeded to tell Palin that he would make sure she won the 2012 election, “even if it means flooding some cities.”  All she had to do was to “rub her breasts, slower, slower” while he was still on the line.

“He took a real interest in me,” said Palin.  ”He wanted to know what I was wearing and what I was doing right at that moment.”

Palin did what the caller asked, even stripping down to her bra and panties.  ”But after about five minutes of this,” said Palin, “he hung up.  I knew right then and there that it was a prank.  Jesus would never hang up on anyone.”